Tonguing With Tamaki
by Suou Tamaki
Summary: Who will he wake up with NEXT? Rated for debauchery and deviltry! Chapter One: Who's into food sports and are we REALLY surprised? Review Plz.


**Authors Note and Warning:**

Okay, the following fic is going to be wrong on so many levels so I suggest you turn around if you are easily offended. It deals with some controversial themes, no matter how silly. **Hey! You there!** I'm not forcing you to read this! If you don't like what you're seeing, please do turn around rather than coming to the end and being scarred forever and flaming the bajesus out of me. Now that that is done, this is a huge crack fic. It's not to be taken seriously. All in good fun. I got the idea from **That Guy With the Glasses's AKA The Nostalgia Critic's** website. Which you should visit because it is AWESOME! There is a segment there called Spooning with Spoony in which a member of the website, Spoony, wakes up next to other members of the website- presumably after sex. In every episode (all two of them), upon waking up, he hosts a little show, regardless of the guests often being disoriented and unsure of what happened in the last 24 hours. I found it pretty funny and thought it would work well if I put the Ouran cast in a similar plot. Was I wrong? Let me know if you finish.

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Camera fades in on a luxurious master bedroom where the first beginnings of morning trickle in through the curtains.

Violet blue eyes appeared and vanished again underneath the beautifully pale eyelids of one Suou Tamaki. Stretching beneath the velvety red covers, he pulled himself up onto a mountain of fluffy, white pillows, expression smug as ever.

"Good morning!" he beamed at the camera. "This is your King! Welcome to another exciting edition of Tonguing with Tamaki! We have a very special guest for you today!"

A soft moan came from the left end of the king-sized bed and a small, brunette head poked up from underneath the sheets.

"What the..." The girl gazed around sleepily, lifting a delicate hand to rub at her eyes. The bed chamber was large and grand with velvet carpet, sheets, and curtains strung upon high ceilings. It was equal to the pages of a Victorian design magazine. "This isn't my room..."

"Fufufufu... Of course, this isn't your room, you silly goose." He wrapped an arm around the barely conscious girl. "Your tiny, commoner room couldn't possibly withstand under the astronomical pressure of our love making."

She blinked, eyes darkening. "Eh?"

"You were every bit as wonderful as I imagined you'd be..." His eyes glistened with tears not yet fallen. "But you were a little wooden."

"Eh?"

"Oh, don't be offended, Haruhi!" He trailed two fingers along her cheek. "I didn't mind doing all the work."

"EH!"

"Now, we have a few questions!" He nodded forward. "Say 'hi' to the camera!"

"Camera?" Haruhi gasped, eyes wide. "Senpai-!"

"Shh!" He pressed three gentle fingers to her lips. "You know what it does to me when you call me that!"

"Mmph!"

"Ooooh! I like this one, Haruhi!" he began, pulling a deck of note cards from seemingly nowhere. "If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

"Wh-what happened?"

"Hey! I'm the one asking the questions here!"

"My head hurts." She massaged at her temples. "And... why am I wearing this outfit?" Her eyes traveled downwards to see a white lace, frilly, pink monstrosity wrapped tightly around her form.

"Isn't it cute?" he squealed. "It was a little difficult to get around sometimes, but we managed."

"Senpai..."

"You might want to wash it..."

"Senpai!"

"What?"

"Why're you... why..." She lifted a shaky finger to point at him. "Is that..."

"Whipped cream?" He grinned as if proud of having the substance smeared across his body. "Mostly, yes. I should have figured you'd be into food sports, Haruhi."

"F-Food sports?" she gulped.

"I told you, you wouldn't be able to get it all, but you insisted!"

"...ack..." she coughed.

"You're so naughty when you're hungry."

"Ack! Ack!"

"I still have ootoro in places I didn't even know existed!"

"ACK! ACK! ACK!"

A heavy sigh came from the right end of the bed. "I told you she was far too juvenile to appreciate you." Spidery, pale fingers crept teasingly up his back.

Haruhi's jaw dropped at what she saw wrapped in a lacy, scarlet colored corset. "Eclair?"

The older girl shot her a venom laced grin.

"Her name doesn't mean Thunder Lightening just for exposition, you know." Tamaki winked.

Haruhi blinked, struggling to find words. When she finally did, they were barely coherent. "But she- but you... blackmail!"

"Haruhi," he frowned. "I thought you of all people would know to let bygones be bygones."

"That was less than a month ago!"

"Next question!"

"Was I drugged?"

"On a scale of one to ten, how gay is Justin Bieber?"

Haruhi's eyes narrowed. "Wha-?"

"No, seriously. I was considering having him on the show."

"Senpai, I can't believe you!"

"What do you think, ma cher?" He turned to Eclair.

"I think," she leaned into him, long, bare legs brushing against his. "I'm ready for round three." She tossed her head to motion to the piano top.

"Mm, we can't." He sighed. "Haruhi broke it in round two after we did The French Crueller."

"Was that before or after The Eiffel Tower?"

"Most definitely after," he smirked and they shared a husky laugh.

"Are you listening to me?" Haruhi leapt from the covers. "I thought you respected women!"

"Haruhi! How can you say that?" Tamaki clutched his chest as if he'd been wounded. "I respect women just as much, if not more than I respect any man!"

"Right."

"I respect and make love to everyone equally!"

"EH?"

"Why do you keep doing that?" he furrowed his eyebrows. "You sound like Kasanoda."

"Eh?" A red head popped up near Tamaki's lap from underneath the sheets.

"Not _you_!" The blonde scolded. "Keep going!"

Kasanoda mumbled a few nonsensical words and went back to work.

"Senpai..." Haruhi simmered.

"I don't understand what you're so upset about, Haruhi." He shrugged. "We all knew it was going to happen eventually. Even your dad-"

"HARUHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" The unmistakable voice of an angry shemale crowded the air around the Suou mansion.

"Speaking of daddy," He turned to the camera. "Looks like we've got company." Signature wink. Tooth twinkle.

"Should I make more space?" Eclair scooted closer.

"Perhaps."

"NO!" Haruhi raged.

"Anyway," Tamaki began. "Looks like that's all the time we have for today."

"IDIOT KING!" The tranny screams echoed closer.

"Send in your questions and requests!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"And join us for another sensually exciting episode of Tonguing with Tamaki!"

BAM! The door swung open.

"Kisses."

_Camera fades to dark..._

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Alrighty. Now as much as I love Tamaki/Haruhi, I wanted to get that chapter over with because everyone knows there is a huge double standard when it comes to women being sexually assaulted in the media and men being sexually assaulted in the media. When women are sexually assaulted in the media, you've got a lawsuit on your hands. When men are sexually assaulted, it's a laugh fest. I personally think that all reactions to sexual assault should be equal... if that makes any sense. Anyway, from here on, all the hosts are male and I'll be damned if Tamaki doesn't sexually assault every one of them. No prejudice here. Everyone will be sexually assaulted equally or I'll eat my hat. If I had a hat. Well, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I told you it was bad though. Oh, my God I'm scared for the Hunny chapter. I'm so going to hell in a handbag...

**Send in the questions you want to be asked in the next episode! And who should be next anyway? Just so you know, I always use one host and then some side characters. This time it was Haruhi as the host and Eclair and Kasanoda as the side characters. Whose next? It's up to you.**


End file.
